Every Person Has A Hidden Side

I realised last night, that even the people closest to you have hidden sides, secret agenda's, things they have inherited. There is only one person who knows about this, and they will know when they read this. A conversation was had, mainly in jest. But, when I came off the phone it got me thinking. It also got me upset and very angry. Not by what was said, but what had been said by the person we were talking about.

Nearly 10 years ago I had this same dilemma going through my mind. But the difference then was that I was working full time, I was in remission. Somehow, I talked myself out of it. What, or where would I be if I hadn't done that. If I had done what I wanted to do and broke free.

Maybe it's time to talk it through, but that would only end in silence for a few weeks, and I hate that. When it comes to this subject there's no "give" from the other side.

After lying in bed last night and thinking about this until 2am, I now have a contingency plan. Something that may well be noticed in the short term, but I can make up excuses to cover my tracks, but in the long term it will give me a little glimpse of the freedom I need, want, and deserve. Yes, it will probably take me years and years to get anywhere near what I want. But at least it will be in my mind that I am doing it, that I am taking control, taking the lead.

So, the cutbacks begin, every loose copper in my purse will be stashed, every penny given to me will be noted, every penny I spend will be noted. I will bust a gut on my Avon, and I now have even more of a reason for it. I will write my book, and I will keep trying, and trying and trying until it is published, until I have the contract in my hand, and the cheque in MY bank. I will have the freedom and security I so want, and deserve.

Yet again, because I have a disease I am literally crippled. This "thing" that hangs over me doesn't just affect my health, it affects a certain persons view of me. And as always it's something that is completely beyond my control, something that isn't my fault, something that for once I will admit, if I could change it I would.....and I have never ever said that about my disease before.

With all my wordly goods I honour you?

Or

What's mine is MINE, and you have to fight for what is your own.

I have a new mind set, I have a new view, no more rose coloured glasses. Just pure brilliant clarity.

I have been given the kick up the ass I needed, yes it hurt, at the time I was laughing, but later I cried. But that kick has given me the internal desire to move forward, and move forward I will, with strength, and with dignity.

I may not post tomorrow, as I am at the hospital and having a much needed haircut (if I can afford it!). If I have time I will.

Friday I will be at work all day, and then at Sis In Law's and Mr Bleach's house. For a night away from the reminders of my inadequacies.

The weekend......who knows. If I blog I blog, if I don't I'll be back sometime.

Hugs

Whisky

xxxxx