Valentine My Valentine, Oh Where For Art Though Valentine?

This year will be the first year in 20 odd years that hubby and I haven't been together for Valentines Day :( Normally we see each other after work, and last year he postponed Valentines until I was out of the hospital. This year, he will be away.

I packed him off on Sunday evening with a carrier bag full of goodies, I deliberately stapled it together so he couldn't peek. It's hard to think that he will open that bag, and his card a hundred or so miles away.

It's been three months so far since he has been away during the week, it's not been too bad, apart from the occasional glitch. But then I think, there are four or five months to go of this, and it hurts. I miss him when he is away. Yes I enjoy having the house to myself, and the tv. But I miss his companionship, his smile, his hugs, his voice next to me rather than on the phone. I know he's happier, but it still makes me sad sometimes.

The only good thing is that I am back at work. I hate to think how I would have reacted had I still been on the sick. Alone in the house all day every day, no contact with the outside world. My cherished friends of course would still be rallying round and visiting me. But, I'm glad to be in the office atmosphere. Answering phones, making customers laugh, using my brain, making myself tired for a reason rather than just because of my health.

I know that there will be thousand of women in the world without their valentine's tomorrow, and there reasons and heartache will be much stronger than mine. No I don't want pity, but if anyone wants to send me a secret valentine......feel free!

I know that the weekend will soon be here, in fact it's not the weekend this week. He will be home on Thursday!!! And then no doubt I will be tutting at him for making too much noise, or eating too loudly. But I do that all the time!

So......I won't get a hug from my hubby on Valentine's day. I won't see his face apart from the photographs I say goodnight to every night at the side of the bed.

I'll miss him. I love him. Even with the recent problems I have had, which he seems completely oblivious to because I am to worried to talk about it, I still love him. Yes I keep mentioning going it alone, having no security if I wanted to do that. Yes I begrudge the fact that he see's his money as his own and isn't willing to share. Yes he buys me things. But.....is it my fault I'm not on an equivalent salary to him and never will be? For one I'm a women, and women are renowned to be paid less than men. For two I have no aspirations to become a manager or MD, I am happy in my little Sales Co Ordinators role. And for three, and most importantly, is it my fault that for the last two and a half years I have only been paid sick pay or disability allowance. If I could control my disease and therefore my income I would. Yes, it's made me who I am, a strong person on the outside. But maybe if he took the time to see the "inner me", recognised the sad eyes, he might realise how I feel sometimes. Worthless.

Please, if you know us personally, don't mention this. Hubby doesn't read this blog, he doesn't read anything much other than the financial times!

This is My space. My personal rantings and ravings that I am willing to share here with people who are willing, and interested enough to read. It's my choice to talk about my sleep patterns, building snowmen, and the one chink in my marriage that I hope doesn't become a crack or a break.

If it wasn't for my health maybe I would have savings of my own. I would be more confident. I wouldn't have to rely on him for everything. I would know who my car is insured with, and which energy supplier we use because i could control my own finances. The fact is I would HAVE my own finances.

But on the reverse, my health has brought us closer together, it's proved to me how much he loves me. I used to believe that money wasn't important. But when you don't even have the money in your purse to buy yourself a loaf of bread....that's a whole different story.

Tomorrow is another day. Valentine's day. Maybe I will have a completely different outlook, maybe I won't. All I know is, I will be alone.

Hugs for all

Whisky

xxxxxx