A Year Older, But No Wiser & SPC Online Tools Week 1

My apologies for not blogging recently, things just seemed to hit me much harder than expected.

I slept a lot, as usual, on Friday, Saturday I was ok, due to a test drive in my soon to be new car, and having a pre birthday meal with Sis In Law, Mr Bleach and the two girls. I hadn't realised how much it had helped take my mind off things.

Sunday, my birthday, I got up after hearing the phone ring. I should have been in a jolly mood, after all it was my birthday. Hubby told me we were to expect visitors and I promptly burst into tears, crying and wailing that I didn't want to see anyone. I acted like a thirteen year old, not a thirty six year old.

An hour or so later I had calmed down, but I still didn't feel as if I wanted to see anyone, or celebrate my birthday after losing Pop. Visitors came and went in a bit of a blur. Cards and gifts received, as usual Clever Crafting Friend, and Navy Wifie have me down to a tee! A gorgeous chocolate bath set and (Holli will be soooooo jealous!), A lovely cupcake mug and coaster set, and pretty hair bobble, delivered in an adorable cupcake bag!!

We went for dinner at Mum and Dad's. I was at last allowed to drink as hubby volunteered to drive home. I only managed one glass of wine, but lots of Mum cooked food.

Home late, and then I realised, although it was Sunday here, it would soon be Monday in Australia, the day of Pop's funeral. I kept it together until I went to bed, then I had a little cry......realised that's not what Pop would want, and finally drifted off to sleep.

It's still hard to realise he isn't with us anymore. All I can do is treasure the memories, of him and Nan at my wedding. Their previous visits. The smell of Pop's rolled cigarettes that smelt so wonderful to me. And of course our trip over there three years ago at easter.

This weeks Self Portrait Challenge to me, although sticking to the rules of using online tools, is exactly how I feel right now.

It's the picture that I added to my site as soon as I created it. I used one of the tools as recommended on the site, and came up with this picture. I used a picture of me and turned it into a "Xanga cartoon character".

Looking at it now, although there is a recognisable smile there, there is still sadness in the big eyes it has given me.

It's almost as if the smile is hiding the sadness and the tears, exactly as I am right now. People at work keep asking if I am ok, I reply yes I'm fine and smile. But deep inside my heart is breaking.

So, the Tools for this weeks challenge have helped me show how my inner soul is feeling right now. After all the eyes are the view of the soul aren't they?

I pick up new car this weekend. No more ickle purple people eater for me :( It will be a bright red ka called "Dot". Right now it's the only thing that's keeping me happy.

I'll pull through like I always do, my friends have been there for me as always. They have listened to me talk and cry. They have supported me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Normal transmission will resume shortly.

The smile will soon be back I promise.

For now

Hugs and love

Whisky

xxxxx